You Get What You Give

When someone has done me wrong...

2012-02-01T00:31:00.004+13:00

Like a serious, huge-ass wrong, and I choose not to forgive and forget, it's not because I'm living in the past or that I'm unable to move on from it. It's simply because that person does not deserve it. They say that we choose to forgive a person because we still want them in our lives. I'm not going to waste my motherfucking time trying to reconcile and be at peace with an asshole. Holding a grudge and harbouring hatred in my heart toward someone... does it weigh me down or affect me in any negative way? Nope, not really.

Places to go. Travels to do.

2012-01-29T19:07:00.012+13:00

Maldives, Club Med Kani, with the family and to see the lovely people there again.
Club Med Bintan, because you can never get enough of the Club Med experience.
Club Med Phuket/Bali with Rachel Goh - we're saving up for this one!
Fiji (here's another attempt and hopefully I'll actually get there! - with Farah)
Sydney with the parentals.
Bluff festival in Bluff.
Melbourne for the Australian Open with Belle (or any place else should we change our minds) since she would have finished her A levels and me, my final exam year. It will be an amazing sister trip.
A 'mystery' trip with the lovely Maple - because we haven't decided on where we want to go yet.
Paris, for the holy trinity of gourmet food and definitely for Fogon. Provence.
Xi'an - terracotta warriors. Beijing.
Greece and Turkey, for culture and history.
Queenstown with Rachel in a lovely villa (heck yeah!). For our de-stress weekend.

This is way too little so I'll have to come up with more. It's the list for now (but it will go on). I'm planning to do most of these travels this year and during the next summer.

I can't wait. I can't sit still. I need to move around. I want to meet people, try new things. Go to all these different places while I'm still young, while I'm still able to and not tied to to a 9 to 5 job till I'm 95. Let's make this life worthwhile shall we? :)

My Lovely Family

2012-01-25T05:29:00.001+13:00

Permanent

2012-01-20T00:47:00.005+13:00

Two years ago, I lost a good friend. Over the past few days, it felt as if he's back. Filling each other in on bits and pieces of our lives, though rather incomplete. Conversations, mostly superficial, however managing to go deeper than what was usually said on one or two occasions. Moments of not having anything to say, merely exchanging glances and feelings of awkwardness (on my side at least). Well I suppose it's not really a surprise, we did miss out on each others lives for the past two years. Both of us would have changed in some ways. I know I have. Perhaps I'm starting to have my friend back, or perhaps not. Either way, it was nice to spend some time with him, even if it was for old time's sake. I've missed him.

2012-01-17T05:56:00.005+13:00

Last night, I felt quite frustrated for a whole bunch of reasons:

Egoistic men.

A certain Bible basher, who continues with his 'holier-than-thou' ways.

That Michael Jackson is dead.

The thought of being a dentist for the next 50 years of my life.

Supposedly godly women who form preconceived notions and make false judgements.

A self-proclaimed chivalrous man who is absolutely, 100%, completely, nothing of the sort.

A person who claims to be faithful to his religion, yet is so easily tempted into sin and is shrouded by lies.

Prejudice and discrimination against homosexuals.

2012-01-05T05:20:00.000+13:00

The best part of Kani was hanging out with my lovely sister <3

2012-01-04T07:06:00.001+13:00

I've already cut you out. You won't get back in.

Rawr!

2012-01-02T06:13:00.002+13:00

Bring on 2012!

2011-12-15T05:08:00.006+13:00

I like how I am now. I guess this can be described simply as happy. It's a simple word 'happy', in fact, since human emotions are complex, 'happy' usually seems inadequate in describing a person's emotions. But I suppose that's basically how I feel at this moment - happy.

I like the fact that I have this sense of fulfillment that I can claim entirely as my own. It's a little difficult to describe really, but it feels as though I'm starting to live a life that is entirely mine, one that is in my control, and it's something that will not be easily taken away from me. It's been a while since I've had this much time to focus on my own life. I no longer have that 'Carol and so-and-so' label on me. I'm able to take my time discovering myself, stand up more confidently for the things I believe in, invest more time in the people who matter and pursue my goals and having to compromise less when I do so.

Now, I finally feel like an individual in my own right.

2011-12-12T06:14:00.003+13:00

So John Rzeznik sang, that you and I got something. At first, it was all, but then it became nothing to me. And now, I got my defenses when it comes to your intentions for me.
In the end, somehow here is gone.

Gotta love the Goo goo dolls.

The Price of Beauty - China

2011-12-10T17:39:00.005+13:00

縛腳 Bound Feet

2011-12-04T19:05:00.003+13:00

We celebrated Uncle Dave's 40th birthday on friday night over a lovely 9-course dinner cooked by celebrity chef, Ryan Hong. The food was superb, the champagne was lovely and the wine was divine. But most importantly, what made it really memorable was being in the company of amazing friends and family. The night was filled with joy, laughter, crazy stories (mostly shared by Ryan) and of course... x-rated jokes.

2011-12-03T20:25:00.006+13:00

(Besides really really close friends and family) Do people genuinely care when they ask you the question "Are you alright?" Maybe they are actually concerned about your well-being, but a part of me sometimes think that they ask only to make sure that there are no unwanted expectations that you have on them, if you know what I mean. To put it more simply, the answer "Don't worry, I'm fine" is what they prefer to hear, because this means that they are relieved from the responsibility of making you feel better. It's not a 'must' to make the person who is down feel better. We still have a choice in this. We can choose to walk away and leave the person exactly the way he is - beaten and broken. Thing is, it's human nature where we will feel obliged to do something, or else we'll end up feeling guilty for not doing anything about it. However, if the other person says "Don't worry, I'm fine", then it's like - 'Yes I could have helped him out and I intended to, but he told me he was fine and so I took his word for it, that he didn't need my help. But if he did ask for it, I would have helped him.' At the end of it, I think it's a way of making ourselves feel better. I guess what we're actually doing is essentially avoiding the emotional burdens of others on ourselves.

2011-11-29T02:58:00.004+13:00

Dad told us that we are Peranakan. It's such a shame that it failed to carry on to my generation, that my sister and I were never exposed to the customs and traditions of the culture. Well on a side note, I am learning to cook peranakan food over the holidays.

Spending time with the family has been lovely. Dad has been spoiling me with bottles and bottles of Burgundys. Belle and I found our new favourite brunch place called the Wild Honey - they have all-day breakfasts from all over the world - Tunisian, Norwegian, Australian, Canadian etc. We spent quite a bit of time nibbling our tarts and chatting over coffee once we finished our brunch. Mom has been whipping up amazing foods since I got back - her foie gras with cranberry sauce, squid ink paella, assam laksa and so on.. Been having really nice conversations with Auntie Cellie as well.. All in all, it's good to be home.

Rachel Gohst :) The person who made such a huge impact in my life this year. Honestly, I don't think I would have gotten through my personal struggles without her standing by my side the whole time. I could always count on her and even though she is a younger than me, she gives me the best advice when I need them. I really am thankful for you Rachy, and I have been so blessed by you. Thank you for always supporting and encouraging me, for picking me up when I'm down and never losing faith in me. <3

2011-11-25T21:08:00.009+13:00

I know I'm being a complete nerd right now, but heck yeah! Getting good results never felt this awesome! =)

I am thankful that I managed to pull through despite the drama and distractions. In general, I think I'm doing well now. No, in fact, I'm doing better than ever.

Breathe. Live.

On a side note, when I have children, I'm gonna spoil them with rooms like these:

2011-10-27T20:40:00.001+13:00

Alright, back to study.

Un-edited

2011-10-26T02:06:00.028+13:00

Even though I swore to myself that I wouldn't create or be involved in any drama after all that has happened last year, things still managed to go awry in 2011. I admit that I've made my fair share of mistakes. Bad judgments and wrong decisions led to consequences, and I fell pretty hard. But do I regret that all of this happened? No, not one bit.

I tried a long distance relationship for the first time. It was tough when there are insecurities and doubts plaguing the relationship. I found out that perhaps I'm not ready for something like that just yet, or maybe I haven't had time to build a good foundation with the other person since we only spent a month and a half together until distance came into play.

Like every young girl, I do find it difficult resisting temptation. I met someone else while I was still in a relationship, and I gotta say this person was quite a character. He was charismatic, eloquent, driven and confident, but behind that persona he portrays, there seem to be something deeper, something more I suppose. I know, I know, such a cliche isn't it? It's like the typical shows on TV where a girl comes along, gets to know him, discovers the inner 'him' and they fall in love while at it. Well no, I'd like to think that it's different in this case. Nonetheless, I got to know him and yes it was mostly good, he was seemingly genuine, had good values and so on... but the one thing I admired most was the relationship he had with his mom.

To speed things up a little, things went out of control and I eventually ended my relationship. Things were a mess and I was trying to keep everything within my reins and under control. Imagine spilling a jar of coffee powder and trying to collect and pick everything up again, I know, bad analogy, but it sorta was like that. I ended up hurting the people around me and of course, my (ex) boyfriend. He was furious and hurt, after which, he embarked on his plan for revenge. Maybe it's because I'm on the receiving end so my opinions are biased, but it seems that his plan was based and reasoned on hurt and betrayal at first, then it progressed to just plain madness and insanity. He did succeed to a certain extent, but thankfully it was only temporarily. I am, however, really sorry for hurting him. Still, if all of this didn't happen, I would have continued on in a relationship with someone who wasn't right for me at all so that's something good that came out of it I suppose.

I've been lied to and I went through the whole feeling of being used by others. It's not pretty. I beat myself up about it constantly and I got frustrated with myself for allowing that to happen despite so many 'warning signs' flashing before me. I've always struggled with the whole idea of forgiveness and grace. I'd rather much carry out the whole an eye for an eye thing to be honest, but then I came to the realization that I'm simply not capable of that. And similarly, everyone makes mistakes, I've made quite a few myself, which I am definitely not proud of. I suppose others are allowed to do the same as well.

Through everything however, I am extremely grateful to have had amazing friends and family by my side. And even though they know that I made a mistake, they didn't say 'I told you so', nor did they judge me. Instead they stood by me, protected me, cried with me, encouraged me and spurred me on.

I've had people talking about me behind my back, and I won't deny that I did give them the reason to. But it's funny how that's all they can do really, talk-behind-your-back. Which brings me to my next and last bit of this un-edited timeline of ~~unfortunate~~ fortunate events, since it's 3am already. I think I made the right decision leaving the church even though I thought it was a mistake at first. The people there are simply too judgmental and narrow-minded, well, not all of them of course. So yes, I may seem rebellious to you people now, and I may even be a bad influence like you assumed, because of what you see from the outside (and from facebook). I got a tattoo, I voice my opinions and I swear when I want to express myself. But how much do you really know me? What gives you the right to judge?

Doesn't it say in the bible that you shouldn't judge? Well perhaps reading Luke 6:37 might be good, just to refresh your memory a little. I'm sure all of you have it in hard copy and perhaps you can pray about it or do your quiet time based on the verse as well?

In life, we make mistakes, we fail, but what defines us is how we pick ourselves up after we fall. I had a pretty hard 'fall from grace' since last year, I haven't picked myself up fully yet, I'm still in the process, but I think I can actually say that I have no regrets whatsoever. I've learned and grown from these experiences, and they have made me stronger and have helped shaped me. They made me who I am today and will also make me the person that I will become in the future. Besides, wouldn't life be way too safe and absolutely boring as hell without them anyway?

2011-10-22T00:39:00.001+13:00

Success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not.

The Average Human Being...

2011-10-19T13:10:00.008+13:00

Says that he or she will change but still doesn't anyway. The truth is, they only say it because it sounds good. Because penance only works when someone is watching. Because then they'd feel better about themselves. They kill their boredom by creating drama, by making a big deal out of their own stuff, while not usually caring about the troubles of others. They reckon the world owes them a living and they take advantage of every person that comes their way.

We are all the same. It's so much easier to be like everyone else because it is way too exhausting to try and move in the opposite direction.

Do you memorize theatrical lines that seem to lead them in?

2011-10-18T01:56:00.007+13:00

It was all out of convenience.
But do you know how much hurt you've thrown?

Let's Play

2011-10-16T11:49:00.001+13:00

All the pawns you've gagged and bound.
~~They'll~~ I'll come back and knock you down.

2011-10-09T11:32:00.005+13:00

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

Go cry about it - why don't you?
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?

2011-10-02T16:04:00.001+13:00

"I don't need anybody in my life who doesn't want to be there"

2011-10-01T18:26:00.003+13:00

Lazing in our conservatory with music on, Iberian ham from Galleries Lafayette, white chocolate bonbons with white truffle from Maison de la Truffe, a nice bottle of Burgundy... and quality time with Dad, Mum and Belle <3

Folie a Plusieurs

2011-09-28T23:52:00.002+13:00

http://montalcino.tumblr.com/

Art, Sex, Freedom, Apathy, Inspiration, Truths, Lies, Music, Pleasure, Photography and Just A Bit of Everything Really.

Always Midnight

2011-09-23T00:17:00.006+12:00

I'm skeptical about love now. The type of love as described in 1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." It's rare, almost non-existent. We walk on the streets with our 'significant other', holding hands, doing the usual things that couples do, hugging, giving pecks on the cheek. We tell the other "I'll always be here for you", but in the end, we leave. To be honest, we haven't got a clue what love is. What we know about love comes from movies, love songs, the usual cliches.. We assume that love knows no boundaries, that it triumphs all, that as long as it's in your heart, all else does not matter, but in actual fact, love has lost its standing to greed, selfishness, materialism, self-indulgence and pride...

Love has become a thing of convenience, whether we can afford the time for it, whether it will be beneficial or not. We think of it as almost like a business investment, what are the stakes and sacrifices we'd have to make to get a certain return. Someone once said "The ending “Happily ever after,” now has several suffixes such as: “They lived happily ever after, until he ran out of money,”, “They lived happily ever after, until he found a mistress.” Depressing isn't it? Unfortunately, that's the sad reality. The whole idea of altruistic love no longer has a place in our society. There is so much else to live for, too much more to strive for; a good reputation, social status, the perfect job, the biggest house, the newest car, the latest technology, fashionable clothes and the list goes on...

At the end of the day, it's "Me" that matters. I come first. Before and above anyone else. There's just not enough room for another person. You might love and care for someone else, to a great extent even, but it will not be the way you love yourself.

Perhaps you'll tell me that I'm wrong. That the love you have or experienced was not self-seeking, that it was the magnanimous, the self-sacrificing kind... You might be the exception. However, I think that it's highly likely you're delusional.

Seems like it's Always Midnight,
Sweeping up broken glass after every fight
With the sound of a train
that I could've been on
Reminding me that the last one's gone.
With you,
It's always midnight.

So cut that holier than thou crap

2011-09-21T11:08:00.003+12:00

It IS a
Rebound=Distraction=Quick Fix

Playlist

2011-09-19T23:54:00.006+12:00

Naivety - the state or quality of being naive; ingenuousness; simplicity.
i.e. the state or quality of being stupid, gullible and a complete fucking idiot.

Somewhere Only We Know

Fall Away

Home

Elephant in the Room

Take Me With You

For You I Will

Always Midnight

That's it. I think I'm done.

2011-09-15T21:50:00.002+12:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley

Someday We'll Know - New Radicals

2011-09-13T19:15:00.003+12:00

A million questions, I need an answer

Did you think that I will cry on the phone?

2011-09-12T10:51:00.003+12:00

People are merely watching from the sidelines. They have no idea what really is going on inside.
They have absolutely no right to pass judgments.

Does everyone have to be like this:
Day 1 - Facebook status: I am sad.
Day 2 - Facebook status: I am still very sad.
Day 3 - Facebook status: I am still very very sad.

I've never liked public displays of emotion. Just because we don't show it, doesn't mean we don't feel it. Life is not going to come to a halt just because shit happened. I'm moving, and if that makes me a bitch then so be it.

The Falling Man

2011-09-11T14:41:00.002+12:00

2011-09-10T15:42:00.001+12:00

One Temporary Escape, Feel it Start to Permeate

As it withers
Brittle it shakes
Can you whisper
As it crumbles and breaks
As you shiver
Count up all your mistakes
Pair of forgivers
Let go before it's too late
Can you whisper

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-between
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

2011-09-10T02:07:00.007+12:00

Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began

Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in... again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are ever ready
Are you ready?
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense

Spinning infinity, boy
The wheel is spinning me
It's never-ending, never-ending
Same old story

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

In time or so I'm told
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print
We are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story

I'm the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right
I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees

So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?

2011-09-07T20:08:00.001+12:00

I'm not in love, this is not my heart.

2011-09-05T22:18:00.002+12:00

"I'm just a musical prostitute, my dear."

Happy birthday Freddie

To: Charlotte

2011-09-04T23:13:00.000+12:00

P.S. I Love You

Folie à deux

2011-09-03T12:27:00.010+12:00

On the oracle in my chest,

Let the guitar scream like a fascist
Sweat it out, shut your mouth
free love on the streets but
in the alley it ain't that cheap, now

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness in misery
Said,
I don't care what you think as long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness in misery

65% Oxygen
18% Carbon
10% Hydrogen
3% Nitrogen
1.5% Calcium
1% Phosphorous
0.35% Potassium
0.25% Sulfur
0.15% Sodium
0.15% Chlorine
0.05% Magnesium
0.0004% Iron
0.00004% Iodine

Total cost: ~USD 1.00

These elements are what make up the human body. They're what you're made of. That is how much you're worth. It's an approximate, because depending on inflation and deflation, that value might appreciate or depreciate. If you think you're worth more than that, then think again. If we add the ugliness of human beings, we're probably not even worth that mere dollar. Face it, the number should be a negative. Would you buy a pet that would sink its teeth into your body every chance it gets? Would you buy a computer that seem to work fine when you're trying it in the store, but in actual fact is faulty to begin with? Would you buy clothes that make you look fat? Would you buy food that would give you food poisoning in the end?

Would you buy that human being, who will crush your self-esteem, tear you up, beat you to the ground and then smile as it stands and looks over you while you're curled up and broken?

By then, you'd probably be thinking to yourself , "Fuck, I can't believe I wasted that dollar."

Only Human?

2011-09-02T17:29:00.007+12:00

Why not step outside for a little bit and survey the world?

'The detachment from the world only serves to remind you of the beautiful ugliness of us. The warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you see the picture painted for you is only amplified by watching us. We, the ones who deforest at a rate of football fields every second. We, the ones who would stick a blade in someone just for pieces of paper. We, the ones who butcher animals just to fill our stomachs. We, the ones who cause the deaths of millions of people every year because someone, somewhere doesn’t like something. To kill is human, does it make it a humane thing to do? For what we are, face the fact that we delight in the suffering of others. Face the fact that we yearn for blood and gore. Movie makers know that if they don’t portray sex, blood, violence or conflict, their movie will never, ever sell. We crave chaos. We crave the beauty of a blood-soaked battlefield. We crave the clash and conflict of human beings. We yearn for conflict and disaster. The worse someone’s plight is, the more interested people will be. That’s why we have reality TV, we have survivor wherever and Fear factor. The TV is just a box where you can satisfy your lust for chaos. That’s what makes it so interesting. Welcome to humanity, I’m sorry we don’t accept second-hand lives.

We were all brought up to go against our nature. We were brought up to know that we are all god’s little children. What if god doesn’t like you? What if gods abhors your ugly face? What if god never did want you? What if god just wanted to appreciate the beautiful ugliness of human nature? Let chaos reign I say. If god doesn’t like us, let it be. Why do we always have to do things to please him when he has never done anything for us? We did not ask to be born into this ugly world. I’m sorry, the gift of life is non-transferable. Shatter the Ten Commandments, denounce the 13 apostles, throw the crucifix out the window, assassinate the pope. We are not bounded by rules. We were born. And being born gives you the right to shine. And our ugly ugly selves will shine like a beacon in the blood-tainted sky. The picture we paint will be appreciated by all. Let us face who we really are. We are human, addicted to chaos, pain and suffering. We are human. We were born with the right to shine. Shine like a beacon. The beacon of fear power and absolute chaos. Absolution is our solution, none shall be spared. Let us walk the street with lust in our heart and blood on our hands. For we are humans, and humans we shall be.

Your being small does not serve the world. Rise from your obedient selves and be what you were meant to be. Original sin shows that we really are. When Adam ate the apple, he knew it was wrong but disobedience of a higher power delighted him. He was invigorated by the experience. As we are like Adam, we want to break free. Your adherence to rules only serves to remind you of your invisible leash around your neck – like a dog. Break free. Disregard authority and do what you were meant to do. We are god’s unwanted children, start acting like it. We shall burn our name on the skies and carve our name on the earth. You are not a part of the rat race. You do not do a 9-5 job till your 95. You are human, you were born free, not a slave to anyone. Do what you were meant to do. Taint the streets with blood. Make those who are less than human scream for mercy. Empower yourself with their cries. Power does not come to you easy. You must snatch it from those who cradle their soul and pacifies it with materialistic possessions and that paper you always see changing hands. Rip out their soul and trample it beneath your feet. Power means control. And control means the ability to destroy. We shall never be slaves to paper or plastic or metal. Take what you need from this world. It is your playground. We are human after all.'

(credits - hubristic-hedonist)

We're all not so different. Me, you and 7 billion others. Yes, we're merely human. Does that mean we should continue using that fact as a reason for our misdoings?

2011-09-02T11:53:00.004+12:00

And don't worry, I'm not suffering.
So maybe you can find pleasure in something else, like wanking off.

2011-08-25T16:54:00.002+12:00

All About Lyrics

2011-08-21T13:49:00.003+12:00

Hope, dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption.

Steady feet, don't fail me now.

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you.

Going Around In Circles

2011-08-16T16:48:00.006+12:00

It's probably because I never liked to be seen as self-indulgent. That's why I don't get why people would want to make mountains out of mole hills.

To feel is a privilege, indulging in emotions will get you nowhere. Emotions merely promote procrastination. Perhaps the inability to feel allows you to be stronger. It would be more difficult for things to stand in your way and remaining focused would be effortless. Still, we're merely human. We continue to succumb to emotion. We continue to remain weak.

But then again, everything is more alluring and delightful because we're able to feel for them. It's at that very moment when we feel for something, where a sense of fearlessness takes over, where we forget about everything else. Some might say it's foolish boldness, and perhaps they are actually right. Still, it doesn't matter. All you want is to hold on for as long as you can.

I'm not making much sense here, I'm just going around in circles.

"One of these nights. Loneliness will bind you in between the wrong and the right."

2011-08-13T15:43:00.002+12:00

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

Oh I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so

2011-08-09T16:21:00.002+12:00

I'm afraid of becoming a terrible person. I'm afraid that I'll no longer stand up for what I believe in. I'm afraid that I'll stop pursuing things that hold true to me. I'm afraid of losing my values. I'm afraid of becoming selfish, that I'll no longer feel any remorse or guilt. I'm afraid of becoming this ugly person.

2011-08-05T15:46:00.004+12:00

John Lennon wrote in his song 'Imagine', that if there was no religion, imagine all the people living life in peace. Sometimes I reckon religion brings about unnecessary differences and hostilities between peoples. It makes it more difficult to accept those who are different from ourselves. All these barriers and restrictions that religion create is just so redundant to a point that it's actually quite absurd, and yet they're able to sustain for thousands of years. Society is ever changing and always moving forward. Things that were taboo and unacceptable before aren't so today. Perhaps it's time religions caught up with the advancements in society instead of stubbornly pulling on the reins and hindering these inevitable changes. I wouldn't say I'm against religion or the people who are associated with it, but sometimes it can be frustrating how close minded they are.

2011-08-04T02:00:00.002+12:00

They never had the right to define who you are =)

2011-08-01T18:29:00.003+12:00

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."
- Matthew 7:3-5

Maybe it's time they stopped judging. Maybe it's time they cut that 'holier than thou' attitude. Maybe it's time they practice what they preach.

2011-07-28T19:26:00.002+12:00

I would totally have a mental breakdown if it weren't for music. It keeps me sane.

I wonder if two people of the opposite gender can really have a platonic relationship. Mother says it's impossible, but I beg to differ. It's the romantic feelings that arise out of nowhere which usually cause these relationships to go awry, so as long as you keep your emotions in check, things will be alright, right? Then comes the dilemma of whether to have these relationships in your life or keep away from them completely. I have friends of the opposite gender, some I'm really close with, whom I'm a hundred percent sure I have a platonic relationship with. But then again, you can never be too sure about the 'what ifs'. So stay? Or keep away?

2011-07-26T20:55:00.005+12:00

Life has been a blur since semester two started. It's probably because of the events for international month that has been keeping me busy. But now that all of that's over, I can finally sit in my chair and catch my breath. Now I have time on my side.

I think dying is like falling into a deep sleep. Just that we never actually wake up again. I'm not entirely certain if there's a heaven or hell. Perhaps it's created to give people hope or make them obedient through fear. I guess the idea of a heaven allows us to remain optimistic about life, especially if we know that it's coming to an end. Because if you think about it, it is kinda sad if everything just falls down to nothing.

2011-07-25T16:02:00.001+12:00

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

- Bob Marley

2011-07-23T11:27:00.000+12:00

2011-07-16T18:46:00.000+12:00

2011-06-28T20:16:00.001+12:00

May the angels protect you, trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty, the glass never empty
And know in your belly, you're never alone

May your tears come from laughing, you find friends worth having
As every year passes, they mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble, smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

Well, I have to be honest as much as I wanted
I'm not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you and your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

May the angels protect you, trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
So when hard times have found you and your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you, you're never alone

Never alone, never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown
Wherever you fly, this isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone
My love will follow you, stay with you, baby, you're never alone

2011-06-27T21:27:00.002+12:00

Get me out of here!
It's finally the holidays, and I'm completely wasting the first week.

2011-06-17T11:41:00.002+12:00

Yet there comes a time for forgetting,
for who could live and not forget?
Now and then, however, there must also
be one who remembers.

I fucking need to fly away

2011-06-17T02:44:00.005+12:00

I know it's silly, but sometimes I'm really sick of reality and practicality. I think one of the main reasons why I'm having trouble sleeping at night is the disatisfaction I have with my life. There're so many things about it that I would like altered, and so I would create scenarios in my head before I sleep of what my ideal life would be. I think I mentioned that somewhere in my blog before. It can be quite unbearable at times. The more I think about it, the more seemingly depressed I become. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my life. I just find it rather... inadequate.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

But don't worry, I can fix myself. I don't need you to.

(I talked to my best friend back home the other night and she was asking me if everything was okay. She says it's because my blog posts are rather depressing recently. Blogging is one of the few ways that help me deal with my emotions. Music is my other. Even so, my posts are pretty vague. I'm not sure who reads this page anymore but I've never been comfortable revealing everything. The most I'll give is probably about a good forty percent or so? And no, the last thing I want to do is to talk about it.)

:)

2011-06-10T01:28:00.001+12:00

2011-06-08T02:08:00.003+12:00

Complacency. It plagues most relationships. Once it catches on, it spreads like wild fire and before you know it, you lose what you have. She's not going to be there permanently. There has to be something that keeps her from walking away. No, you need to do something to make her stay. So why not put in a little effort? It doesn't even take much because as long as they're from you, she'll appreciate even the littlest things.

So here's a head start, send her a text that goes "Am thinking of you."

Sounds easy enough? I'm sure that doesn't require too much effort or time, don't you think?

My Friend

2011-06-06T04:01:00.002+12:00

I've a friend who always puts others ahead of himself. Who is a caring brother and filial son. Who is always there when his friends are in need. Who serves wholeheartedly, never asking for anything in return, nor expecting the slightest acknowledgment or recognition. I've a friend, someone whom I least expected, who looks at me no differently, who still treats me the same as before and doesn't judge me. I've a friend whom I admire and respect, and am extremely grateful for.

2011-06-03T11:42:00.002+12:00

Oh I want to get away

I want to fly away

I'm hit by the travelling bug. I want to get out of here, go to places. Can't wait for Fiji and the Maldives.

Raw

2011-05-29T19:31:00.005+12:00

I still have a grudge, a personal hate towards them. I don't forget easily, which makes it really difficult for me to forgive. Because of that, I guess I can be quite terrible. The type of anger I possess is cold and pitiless. They can be begging for their lives or pleading for help, and I'd probably just stand there and watch...

Well, that is... if it really happens, that's what I would like to do.
But I think I'll end up giving in to pity anyway.

2011-05-27T12:21:00.002+12:00

I think I'd like to be a mermaid.
I want a long dark cyan tail that propels me through the water with each stroke.
And I'll just keep swimming until I'm completely exhausted.

2011-05-25T23:16:00.002+12:00

2011-05-24T11:05:00.002+12:00

Our lips are merely the messengers of our hearts. Our words flow out of what's inside us. We can't dissociate ourselves from the way we communicate. Though our upbringing and personality are factors, we can't blame them for what's wrong with us. If our words are selfish, sinful, or uncaring, it's because we are selfish, sinful and uncaring.

Right now I feel like...

2011-05-20T00:18:00.005+12:00

Macarons from Pierre Hermé

Iberico ham from Fogon

Smoked Norwegian salmon with cream cheese and white truffle oil from Maison de la Truffe

Breakfast and espresso in Paul and Les Deux Magots

Foie gras from Fauchon

And I'd like to have all of that together with Mom, Dad and Belle.

2011-05-15T21:27:00.007+12:00

I'm ready for this busy week

I seem to become more apathetic. I'm not too sure if it's a good thing.

For us, we had to work our asses off, while for you guys, it's merely a walk in the park, and yet you couldn't even walk properly. So yeah, I guess we are better than you and we know it. You guys know it too but you have too much pride to come to terms with it and your inadequacy.

2011-05-10T20:19:00.001+12:00

I've made a mental list of people who I think are better off dead.

I reckon that it's not too extreme because honestly they're not getting anywhere in their lives and we could really do without them.

2011-05-06T23:23:00.001+12:00

Even if I'm furious, I try to make sure none of my bullets hit you.

2011-05-04T18:48:00.001+12:00

Yeah. Self-confidence is attractive, but humility even more so.

2011-04-26T10:25:00.000+12:00

If you ever enter my mind

Stay there, you'll live

Defend it off and fool them all

Stay there, you'll live

2011-04-25T21:10:00.003+12:00

I miss home. The whole novelty of studying overseas has finally worn off, and I mean completely worn off. I'd like to get out of that village they call a city as soon as possible.

On a side note, I really should control my eating before I pack on the pounds again. Shit... and you all may say that you're just joking but those comments are hurtful enough to motivate me to stop eating. In some sick twisted way, they're actually helpful...

2011-04-18T20:55:00.002+12:00

I had the best weekend. Homemade dinner, grilled wings, ice-cream sundaes and fudge brownies, Archers', the King's Speech, skyping mom, dad, belle and granny =)

2011-04-14T21:05:00.005+12:00

I miss you. You usually know the right things to say and what to do. And whenever we fall, you were always there to help us get back on our feet again.

Tonight, I feel a slight frustration, a hint of anger and a tinge of sadness. I can't really put my finger on what exactly is making me feel this way.

Frustrations

2011-04-05T22:59:00.003+12:00

Grrr... Rwoarrrr... This is getting a little too frustrating.

Loving? Peaceful?

2011-04-03T22:49:00.001+12:00

Yeah. Peace through war.

Words

2011-04-02T10:31:00.003+13:00

So here's what I'm revealing: I think I'm strong, strong enough according to my standard at least. I can handle stress, problems, physical pain etc. to a relatively good extent. But I can be easily taken down. All it takes are words that cut deep enough, and I'll be on my way to a path of self-destruction. See? It doesn't take much really. I'll end up destroying myself in the end, all that is needed is for someone to point me towards that direction.

2011-03-27T13:57:00.002+13:00

I've gotten used to the fact that we're in different cities now and that we each have our own lives to lead outside of the relationship.

Still, every once in a while, I'd wish that he is living down the road from me, just like last year, and when I pass by that white flat, he will just be right behind that giant window with the yellow curtains.

2011-03-27T10:30:00.009+13:00

I remembered commenting on his attire during one of our first few meetings, in particular, his footwear. I even went a step further, mocking him about them, which I meant as a joke. He took it casually however, explaining that it's practical, comfortable and durable. As long as it works for him, the comments and opinions of others doesn't really matter.

It was winter then so he'd usually be dressed in a T-shirt with a hooded jacket over it. The jacket was grey with faux fur lining the hood and it seemed to be a few sizes too big for him. Bottoms would usually be a pair of baggy pants (that might be torn and faded) or board shorts, and almost always, he would be wearing that same pair of blue rubber slippers, unless the weather gets too cold, then he'd wear his trainers. To be honest, I thought right then and there that I'd probably be mortified if I went out with someone and he was dressed like that. I guess he's not exactly a head turner.

We spent quite a bit of time together after that and I got to know him better. I found that he's intelligent, honest, humorous, confident, independent, compassionate and it's just really easy being around him. We got together eventually and occasionally, I'd pester him to dress a little more presentable or wear shoes instead of slippers when we go out. He refuses to listen anyway so I gave up trying to persuade him. In the end, I guess I accepted that I won't be able to change that part of him. That's another thing about him, he refuses to succumb to peer pressure despite being ridiculed about it for years, and in turn, I was secretly impressed.

He surprised me at my doorstep on friday night because he didn't tell me that he was coming down from Christchurch over the weekend. He was in his 'usual attire' - slippers, torn baggy jeans, a T-shirt and a hoodie from the 90s, but that didn't matter. I hugged him really tightly, still reeling from the slight shock when I saw him and poked him a couple of times as well just to make sure that he really is right there in front of me (silly I know). It all sank in a couple of moments later that he really is here.

All in all, this person is amazing and has been a real blessing to me. I think I'm at a point where there's nothing about him that I would like to change. It's only been slightly more than half a year but I love this person very much and everything else about him, blue rubber slippers included.

Random Notes

2011-03-23T23:46:00.003+13:00

I'm getting used to having more 'me' time. I got to do quite a bit of random stuff during the last week and a half, and it's actually kinda nice. It's been a while since I had that.

I'm enjoying dentistry, aside from the occasional frustrating moments that would arise during prosthodontics sim.

Bon Jovi's Misunderstood :)

2011-03-22T22:33:00.004+13:00

I remember back in Singapore when I was still in school. I would always strive to be ordinary, to be like everyone else, so that I wouldn't come across as a 'weirdo'. Now, I don't really mind the fact that I'm not like everyone else, that I can be different in some ways. In fact, I kinda like that I am different in those particular ways.

2011-03-20T19:53:00.003+13:00

It's not that I lost faith and hope.

I just found it in other things.

Things that are actually worth having faith in.

I'm not lost, I just don't want to be found.

And I'm totally fine with that.

Thank You :)

2011-03-14T21:59:00.002+13:00

Thank you for the amazing 20 days love. I think we'll definitely pull this off :)

2011-02-26T10:48:00.002+13:00

War is Peace

Freedom is Slavery

Ignorance is Strength

Perhaps this is what's sustaining some religions.

2011-02-26T10:27:00.000+13:00

So... short updates.

2011-02-09T02:10:00.004+13:00

Celebrating the Lunar New Year in Penang was great. I think it's the best new year I've had thus far, mostly because I've finally learnt to appreciate the customs and traditions that are being practiced by my family. I used to find travelling up to Penang such a hassle, and all the preparations for the gatherings and celebrations troublesome. I spent most of my Chinese New Years being moody and pulling long faces.

This year was different. I really enjoyed myself and I'm glad that I got to talk to almost all of my relatives this time. In fact, I really like the whole CNY atmosphere - the noise, the laughter, the sounds of cutlery clanging during meal times, the slurping of soup... though the smell of burning joss sticks still gives me a headache, all of these things make the perfect Chinese New Year.

Anyways, Guo Kai, my cousin whom I grew up with, was enlisted into the army this morning. Time passes much too quickly. It wasn't too long ago when I was about four years old and he was three, and we wanted to marry each other when we grew up. However, that changed a few years later because we were horrified when our parents told us that our children will be born stupid if we did get married.

Elevation

2011-01-30T04:43:00.006+13:00

I've got no self control
Been living like a mole now
Going down, excavation
I lie in the sky
You make me feel like I can fly
So high
Elevation

I'd sit through sessions, nodding my head in agreement, sometimes chipping in with my opinions that support the topic of discussion. I spoke passionately and with much eagerness that seemed to have them convinced. I was pretty impressed at myself for even I was almost convinced with what I've said. All that was put on the table during those discussions, I do want to believe them, that they are one hundred percent truths, yet the logical side of me would say "How can you believe such ludacris?"

I wonder if religions are merely sustained by emotion? That everything was created, carried out and done due to our different states of mind that result from different emotions. Feelings of guilt, love, fear, shame, desire, hope, pride and despair influences our behaviours and how we think, driving us in search of a higher power at the very beginning. Similarly, these feelings allow us to continue believing in that higher power, resulting in further developments and its sustainability in society. It's as if a whole system is created to channel all these emotions and translate them into actions, rules, processions and so on...

We pray because we seek comfort. We donate because we want to feel good about ourselves, sometimes even for pride. We read holy/religious scriptures because we want answers to our problems. We carry out processions and rituals so that good will come our way.

At the end of it, it seems like we're all hedonists. That all in all, what we really want to achieve is for our own personal pleasure. Pleasure motivates us to press on, to strive for more, to attain the best there is. And that's all there is to it.

(Sorry if this post is rather unstructured, offensive etc. It's from a wired mess in my mind and I do like to think a lot)

I'd Rather Be With You - Joshua Radin

2011-01-26T02:07:00.006+13:00

I need to be bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a ~~girl~~ guy like you
Finally see you are naturally
The one to make it so easy
When you show me the truth
Yeah, I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

Sometimes I wonder how long will I live, to what age will I remain alive and how I will die. To be honest, I'm actually afraid of death and I hope it doesn't come looking for me too early. Anything can happen really, plane crashes, car accidents, cancer, natural disasters and the list goes on. At times I reckon it'd be comforting if we could be informed about our deaths. Maybe God can send a messenger down, something like Hermes perhaps. He holds a scroll in his hand, unrolls it and starts reading "Mr so-and-so. Death will come for you on the (insert date here)." Then he would read out the manner of which the person would die and the place where it would happen.

I want my parents to be there at my graduation, my wedding, watch me have my own family and be a part of my children's lives. I'd like to grow old with my husband and also watch my own kids grow up and have their own families eventually. And finally, I'd like to die peacefully in my sleep when I am at a ripe old age. That would be ideal enough and I'd like to know if there is a chance at all of all this happening.

But then again, if people had this crucial piece of information, I wonder how will their lives change. Will those with a nearer 'expiration date' cherish their lives more than those who have a longer period of time to live? Will those who fear death avoid the place that they are going to die at all cost despite knowing that it's definitely going to happen anyway? How will they feel if that day draws nearer and nearer? Maybe they can mark that day on their calendars to help them remember. But wait, perhaps it might be better to forget and the person will be spared from all that anxiety, fear or sadness.

... ...

2011-01-15T05:01:00.004+13:00

It even got to a point where I would dream about the same thing for quite a few nights now. In the dreams, I would be sitting down, having a meal or some sort and I would finish the entire meal. After that I would wake up feeling disgusted, regretful and guilty. But then I realize that it was merely in my head, that I hadn't consumed anything. I would then be filled with a sense of relief and satisfaction.

I think it's turning into quite an obsession really. It was working well up until the past week or so.. attending the elective programme plus the daily journey to and from NUS left me quite tired and even more hungry than usual. Thankfully I still found time to run on the threadmill so it evens out I suppose.

I like gatherings, meeting friends and all. I just dislike that it usually occur over meals and I would end up eating again. It means I would have to exercise even more self control and discipline, because I totally feel like shit after eating.

2011-01-12T00:43:00.002+13:00

"Do you intend to do any post grad study and specialize after you graduate?"
Me: "I don't know yet. I just wanna travel after I graduate really... Ya know, see different places. Wander around a little =)

Cirque du Soleil

2011-01-08T22:40:00.004+13:00

I remembered watching Alegria when I was 9 and Quidam when I was about 11 or so. Both times in that giant blue and yellow tent that was pitched specially for the event. The shows were amazing.

2011-01-06T04:13:00.006+13:00

Kneeling next to the railings which line the Pont des Arts, he attached a lock to the side of the bridge. The lock had his and her initials engraved on it, followed by the words "I'll see you soon". He let out a sigh before standing up again. Then he reached into his right coat pocket for the key and threw it into the Seine.

I'm still me?

2011-01-03T07:44:00.006+13:00

I'm somewhat glad that 2010 is over. I didn't enjoy much of it but I reckon I managed to find my little happy ending in the end. I dare not say that it's a 'happily ever after' sort of happy ending because I'm not certain if it'd be forever, but for now, it is. I saw quite a lot and in fact, it was a bit too much for my liking, though I wouldn't change a single thing even if I had the ability to. I did learn more about myself and what was happening around me. I started to observe, understand and decipher for myself. I tried new things and grew accustomed to them. I no longer cared about the norms and conforming to what was deemed right. I didn't mind being different or outrageous. As long as I could live with it, who else has the right to judge me? Perhaps I've let myself go a little too much. But the thing is, it's all just too exciting. It's as though I ate the forbidden fruit and my eyes were opened for the first time.

Elephant in the Room

2011-01-01T16:20:00.002+13:00

It was good catching up with my cousins during the trip to Taiwan. It was always the five of us.

Guo Kai's 18 years of age, Si Wei's 17, my sister, Isabelle is 16 and Guo Ning's 14. I'm the oldest at 19 and I used to be the tallest. Used to, now I'm 4th. Man.. time really flies.

This was us then: I think i was about 7 or so.

And us now (at our recent Taiwan trip):

Anyways, I fell in love with this song recently: Elephant in the Room by Richard Walters

Calling you to wake
Shouting in my car that's stalled outside
And it's pure coincidence I'm sure
Falling from my mouth, secondary doubts I've found myself in
Can't seem to look you in the eye

And I hope you can see
I'm more than this, this heap at your feet
Who are you to judge me?
Who are you to preach?
Control has slipped away from me again

How heavy are these words?
They're heavier than air
That rushes past your face as you drive away from me again
How heavy are these hands?
They're heavier than blood
That rushes to my head as you walk away from me again

Forcing you to speak
Snapping out my voice seems smaller now, it's only whispering my life
Paper cuts in time
I insist you keep these letters here and read them over if you can

And I hope you can see
I'm more than this, this heap at your feet
Who are you to judge me?
Who are you to preach?
Control has slipped away from me again

How heavy are these words?
They're heavier than air
That rushes past your face as you drive away from me again
How heavy are my hands?
They're heavier than blood
That rushes to my head as I will walk away from here again

How heavy are these words?
They're heavier than air
That rushes to my face as you turn away from me again
How heavy are these words, heavier than time
That rushes past your face as you would turn to walk away again

Hmm...

2010-12-22T07:23:00.002+13:00

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Quality Time

My Detailed Results:
Quality Time:	10
Acts of Service:	8
Words of Affirmation:	8
Physical Touch:	4
Receiving Gifts:	0

Interesting.. Sounds about right I suppose.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

Ain't No Reason - Brett Dennen

2010-12-21T22:54:00.003+13:00

There ain't no reason things are this way
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday

Preachers on the podium speaking of saints
Prophets on the sidewalk begging for change
Old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name
I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing
You can spend your whole life working for something,
Just to have it taken away

People walk around pushing back their debts
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets
Talking 'bout nothing, not thinking 'bout death
Every little heartbeat, every little breath

People walk a tight rope
On a razor's edge
Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pen
Or a thought or a word or a sentence

There ain't no reason
Things are this way
It's how they've always been and they intend to stay
I don't know why I say the things that I say
But I say them anyway
But love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes

Prison walls still standing tall
Some things never change at all
Keep on building prisons, gonna fill them all
Keep on building bombs, gonna drop them all
Working your fingers bear to the bone,
Breaking your back, make you sell your soul.
Like a lung that's filled with coal, suffocatin' slow.
The wind blows wild and I may move
But politician's lie and I am not fooled
You don't need no reason or a three piece suit
To argue the truth
The air on my skin and the world under my toes
Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes
Chaos and commotion wherever I go
Love I try to follow

Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes

There ain't no reason things are this way
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way,
We do it everyday

Futuristic plans

2010-12-19T21:38:00.004+13:00

So I'm sitting in the lounge at CDG airport and this marks the end of yet another family holiday. Getting away with the fam was great, Paris was great :)

Anyways, I like imagining/picturing my future a lot. Just before I go to bed, I'll usually take some time to construct various scenarios that would fit in my ideal future. Graduation, entering the working world, marriage, the children I'll have, my sister's future partner/husband, which country each family member would settle in, just to name a few. I have all these dreams, aspirations and expectations as a result of all those 'scenario construction' moments and I suppose I wouldn't know how to react should anything not go according to plan.

Then I'll go on to think about things or situations that might destroy my grand futuren plan. Terminal illnesses, breakups, divorce, adultery, accidents which would result in me being handicapped (eg. Losing my arm in a car accident), and even me dying or death of the people I love.

I would end up being a quite fearful of those 'what might happen's. So after that, just before I go to sleep, I would make a mental note to myself, to appreciate and be grateful for what I have, and to love the people who love me and those who are dear to me.

Paris

2010-12-15T06:32:00.003+13:00

Paris with the family has been amazing. Everything's more free and easy this time round since we covered most of the places last year already. So some brief points:

- the Holy Trinity of gourmet food: Fauchon, Maison de la Truffe and Hediard
- Fogon, for sensational paella and Iberian ham
- Pierre Herme for the best macarons
- Paintings of Eugene Delacroix
- visiting Roland Garros which included the players' locker rooms and areas, and stepping onto court Phillipe Chatrier
- Opera Garnier, the grand staircase, chandelier
- Museums: d' Orsay, Louvre, Natural history
- breakfast at Les deux Magot, one of three of the oldest cafes in St Germain

You Step a Little Closer Each Day

2010-12-10T04:44:00.003+13:00

When you float like a cannonball.

Before I go to sleep tonight, I'll imagine myself walking through that gate and into the garden. The garden with the creepers, the little stream, the sunflower and you.

I think I'd like to add a willow tree just by the stream too, so that we can sit under it the next time we go there.

Why?

2010-12-08T05:21:00.002+13:00

Why now? Why couldn't it happen before all of that happened?
Then perhaps it wouldn't take so much out of me. It can be __________ to know that you meant something to them or that you might still mean something to them. I couldn't come up with a word which adequately describes that emotion, hence the blank.

My mind can be such a dangerous place to be in sometimes.